a letter to the world…

DISCLAIMER: This was initially a text written for my family and important females in my life…then I realized that it’s meant for the rest of the world. Please refrain from bigoted, racist, and ignorant remarks on my comments, it will be deleted and you will be blocked.

today is a weird morning, girls. 

it’s very surreal because i am truly scared for my life.  i walk everyday to the train station alone and walk amongst many strangers also up at the crack of dawn and heading in whatever direction.  in previous days, i am completely engulfed in my music and trying to wake up to get the day started.  starting today, i walk with the paranoia that a strange man will fill his head with horrific thoughts — that because he is white and moderately upper class, he can assault me, impregnate me, and still be absolved of all sin because i am the one who will be prosecuted because i aborted his sick spawn. 

is this what women in the Middle East feel like?  that to be safe, i must cover my body and my face?  that the shackles of oppression are really made to protect me?  or do i still continue to be at risk for hateful crimes because choosing to cover my body would make me appear Muslim and this is a world of Islamaphobia.  do not kid yourself, world…this is a dangerous place if you are female, queer, non-white, Muslim, or all the adjectives and statuses that make you different.

this is a very fearful time in our country and i can’t say that I am proud to be an American at this moment, especially as a non-white female and a child of immigrants.   how do I hold my head high at the thought that when I get off work, i have to do it all over again. 

walk alone to the train station surrounded by strange men…and attempt to feel safe while knowing that half of them agree with the man that was voted in yesterday.

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relaunch…kinda.

there’s something eerie about how calm and at home i feel at the airport while my flight is delayed.  though i’ve traveled more than the average American, it only brings me to the tree falling in the forest philosophy…

if i travel and no one saw the video and photos, did i really go?

hey, it’s 2016, right?

i’ve been tinkering with the prospect of chronicling my adventures around the world for a few years now, but haven’t quite decided what medium i’d go with.  i’ve attempted to go the traditional blogging route with photographs, but it seems that my perfectionism paired with procrastination has turned into my largest hinderance, haha.

i’ve consulted with a few friends that are avid YouTube creators and they were supportive of the idea of me joining the community.  i don’t know why it feels so unnatural given that i pretty much vlog my way through my trips via SnapChat, but i’ve been quite hesitant to jump into it full force (regardless of all the resources i have available to get it going).  i gather it’s due to a fear that i will lose who i am by attempting a new medium…a risk that i’m not too sure i’m willing to take.

in addition, i was a lot more into it when i had gotten my twoyearroommate/LAbestie/brotherfromanothermother OJ to agree to do a joint venture for our shared love of travel…but when that took forever to get started, the enthusiasm slowly faded away.

the push to try again comes from an unlikely, yet refreshing source — my maternal cousin, Mary.  she and her twin sister are attending universities at two different cities in Europe, and with no question, she decided to post videos of her daily life.  this comes as a surprise because she has always been the introvert between the two, yet in just a few videos, she’s made my supposed “risk” the smallest of issues.

i think the best way to get myself to go through with the plan is to make sure i am accountable via announcement on this beloved platform.  so here i go, an announcement.

my relaunch…kinda.

stay tuned for blogs and vlogs
found in the section above entitled “life of i”
but in warning, there is no timeline at the moment 🙂

just a thought: #32

sometimes i have to really take a step back and consider that not everyone has the capacity to be automatically introspective.  i’m not saying that i had it all down pat from the moment i came out of the womb, but i’d like to think that i had enough sense to work on it after enough people approached me about it.

i’m a firm believer in no fucking excuses.  that’s literally something i apply to everything in my life as well as an expectation i have of others…case in point, i’ve been told that i can be pretty hard on everyone in my social and familial circles.

in reality, it’s all in the approach.  “quick to listen and slow to speak” has always  been a difficult feat for me — but once i had the practice, i found that my relationships became more of a blessing than a burden.  deciding to transform expectations into objectives and reminding myself that not everyone has the same foundation or situation in life kept me looking for ways to build up instead of tear down.

i mean, that’s why we’re all here right?   at least, that’s the purpose i’d rather focus on.

NO.FUCKING.EXCUSES.

just a thought: #31

i’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately about the source of my indecisiveness, or better yet, the reasons behind my thinking.  as of late, i’ve realized that i can come off as irrational — and not without frequent reminders from people i hold close.  i’ve started to become much more aware that the basis of a lot of my decision-making is on the strength of my feelings towards each option.  it’s always worked for me to go with my “gut”…so rationality doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with that.  how exactly can one find a happy medium?  the obvious answer is to slow down and think about all the options, but what if there isn’t any time and the decision needs to be made right now?  worse, what if there isn’t any time and i feel indifferent about every option on the table?  it’s giving me anxiety just thinking about it…but really though?  i’m 31-years old and at this point, i don’t think that decision-making capabilities get better with age.  i hate to just outright admit defeat and say that i’m quite myopic — that’s never desirable.  but how do you insert slow-paced thinking in a fast-paced lifestyle?  enlighten me, my friends.