by iren monkey

i’ve been struggling to write this post ever since he passed.

credit: my instagram

as y’all may know, i’ve never really been the one to have any trouble saying/writing how i feel or what i think, but honestly, i had a hard time dealing with the progression of his disease over the past two quick months.  it’s not that i don’t have words, i just don’t know how to be conservative on how candid i could be about my grief.  on top of that, i know that Roy wouldn’t want us crying and wallowing over him like this, much less blasting it all over the internet.  he’s probably up in heaven right now saying —

“come on, guys.  i’m alright.”

that being said, everyone else seems to be having no problems expressing themselves in their own personal art forms and fortes —

credit: @brentgibson on instagram

 …so the pressure is high to be able to do it too.

it’s not that i feel any less of a friend, or any less of a writer if i can’t do it…but i think i owe it to myself and everyone to attempt to describe how much his presence was such a positive influence on everyone, especially me.

i don’t think we ever said it enough to him.

for the past 2 months, i hated that i was a nurse.  i hated that i was trained and educated in a field that didn’t sugarcoat his grave condition.  i caught myself a few times arguing in my head —

“…he says he’ll be be alright, but he’s not alright…” 

but i didn’t wanna be the bad friend who lost hope.

i found myself praying to God that His miracles trumped and overruled science because Roy still had a life ahead of him.  he made plans with everyone.

we were supposed to work on his website together this year and make it look legit…he was supposed to go to the Philippines next year with me and Elliot and live it up…he was supposed to DJ the reception at my wedding (if the day ever came!) because he doesn’t drink and he’s dependable and wouldn’t be sloppy at the end of the night…and he’s supposed to stand at all the guys’ weddings if anyone ever decided to grow up and actually do the damn thang…

our plans were mad serious because knowing the type of dude Roy was, we just knew in our hearts that he would be in our lives forever.  if you didn’t know him, i think the next few paragraphs will make you wish you did.

he had this gift of making everyone feel like his family because he never hesitated to help or ever asked for anything in return.  at any point, if i ever showed any appreciation or sentiment over anything he’s done for me, his response was always —

man, it’s all good…no problem…we’re friends.”

i suppose it’s because he was rarely the one to express his feelings or show a lot of emotion.  he was all laughter, all the time.  he was constantly goofy and just wanted to make everyone happy.  most of all, he always made every situation seem much lighter than it was.  he focused on a great attitude and outlook — trusting that everything would eventually be, as he said, alright.

in fact, if y’all were close, he’d bust your balls about anything you’re trippin about just to make it less of a problem.  he kept everything drama free, hassle free,  and avoided unnecessary situations.  that behavior established him as a big-brother-type to most of us in the crew, even though he wasn’t necessarily the oldest.

credit: my instagram

although he’s 2 years younger than me, he always called me “Nene”…which translates to “little girl” in Filipino and is commonly used as an endearing term for a little sister.  he started calling me that when he noticed that i never backed down from a fight or ever refused an opportunity for confrontation.

he has seen me through multiple verbal and physical altercations throughout the years.  if i had a nickel for every time he shook his head and told me to —

“calm down”

“chill out”

and “it’ll be aiight”….

i’d be rich.

granted, i’ve grown up a lot since he first met me, but i think my avoidance of stupid situations were partially from his influence.  i never wanted him to be disappointed or embarrassed by my actions, and since most of my public appearances were at his gigs…it definitely decreased my chances of acting like a madwoman in social circumstances.  he let shit slide a couple of times to satiate my hunger for dramatics, but within limits and what was comedic in his eyes…

…like that one time at Charlieboy’s birthday party in the hood…
….and that one time that one slutbitch was annoying him…
….or that one time that one crackwhore was starting shit outside…

he’s probably laughing with Jesus right now remembering all that.

what i’ll miss the most are our heart-to-hearts and our conversations about real life shit.  he was one of the realest guys i’ve ever met.  whether it was one-on-one or with a group, he was always down to eat with me and talk at all hours of the day/night.  i tell myself that it’s because he knew i had a lot of problems and always needed someone to listen, but i think it was mostly because he was hungry all the time and had a ridiculous appetite for good food.  it didn’t matter if it was 4pm or 4am — if he was awake, he was grubbing with me and listening to whatever bullshit i can’t get over or whatever situation i feel is so tragic that he needs to make fun of me for it.

as often as i aired my dirty laundry to him, he knew my emotions just by reading my face.  that’s why i think that no matter what i said when i visited him while he was sick, he knew how scared and worried i really was.  in fact, he knew everyone was…even though he was the one fighting his difficult battle, i admire how strong he stayed and still consoled everyone else and told us —

“calm down”

“chill out”

and “it’ll be aiight”….

well, you were right, Roy, you are alright now.

i don’t think he ever really wrapped his head around or understood how large of an impact he had on his family, his friends, Houston’s HipHop community, the Montrose scene, and anyone he ever made contact with.  he was such a humble and overall good person so we can’t help but mourn for him.  if you search #elroyboogie on instagram or twitter…you’ll see how many people feel exactly the same about him and love him dearly.

credit: my instagram

there’s not the right flowery sentences, extended metaphors, or eloquence to describe how much his passing has shaken a lot of our worlds.  even reading through this post over and over and revising it over 30 times, i still feel like i can never find the exact words to make it enough.

i guess that’s the thing about a huge loss in our lives…
nothing is ever enough to replace it.

so if you knew him and loved him just as much as i did, i’ll see you guys these next few days as we celebrate his life and find comfort in that he’s not suffering anymore.

as heartbroken as we all are, there’s peace in knowing that God blessed us with an angel.  a loyal son, brother, and friend who accepted everyone, gave as much as he could, and was genuine to everyone he met.  as we all spend this week honoring his life, remembering the good times, and paying our respects…let’s not forget the legacy he made in true friendship and brotherly love.  he would be happy to know that the imprint he left in the world encourages others to strive to be half the person he was.

credit: @marcofromhouston on instagram

Roy “King ElRoy Boogie” Samano
11.13.86 – 08.18.13

goodbye for now, my younger big brother…
we miss you already.

credit:  Andrew Benavides