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always do better than yesterday.

just a thought: #31

i’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately about the source of my indecisiveness, or better yet, the reasons behind my thinking.  as of late, i’ve realized that i can come off as irrational — and not without frequent reminders from people i hold close.  i’ve started to become much more aware that the basis of a lot of my decision-making is on the strength of my feelings towards each option.  it’s always worked for me to go with my “gut”…so rationality doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with that.  how exactly can one find a happy medium?  the obvious answer is to slow down and think about all the options, but what if there isn’t any time and the decision needs to be made right now?  worse, what if there isn’t any time and i feel indifferent about every option on the table?  it’s giving me anxiety just thinking about it…but really though?  i’m 31-years old and at this point, i don’t think that decision-making capabilities get better with age.  i hate to just outright admit defeat and say that i’m quite myopic — that’s never desirable.  but how do you insert slow-paced thinking in a fast-paced lifestyle?  enlighten me, my friends.

just a thought: #30

it’s really sad to watch people go through pain over and over again…

my heart goes out to my friends who were around during my dark days.  i don’t know how they were able to stomach watching me sink into the depths where they couldn’t reach me.  i remember throwing myself into work until i just ran autopilot — and dreading days off because i knew it would mean that i would have to actually feel my pain and think about my life.  i see pictures of myself during that time and i don’t know how i had the strength to stand at 79 pounds of pure skin and bones, not to mention, carry 100 tons of my burdens.

i never thought that i could ever feel like myself again…

if you ever find yourself lost and you can’t find your way back, just remind yourself that the journey isn’t over…and there will be more chapters that your life will write that will bring you back home.  i know it sounds cliché, but be your own best weapon, not your own worst enemy.  there’s nothing stronger than free will and determination — so don’t let anything get in the way of your choice to look out for #1.

love yourself, my friends.

just a thought: #29

it’s come to my attention that i suffer from quite a significant fear of responsibility.  i once thought that it was my underlying fear of commitment or permanence…but my ability to actually dedicate myself to other important things (i.e. people/career) argues otherwise.  it’s hard to watch people i care about choose to be unhappy…and when i see them complain or toil over stacks of bills and listen to their filled up messages in their voicemail from collectors and such…it just resonates in my head that I DON’T WANT IT.  that being said, it irritates me when people say “that’s life…” or “that’s what being an adult is about”…because clearly, getting older is inevitable…but being unhappy is a choice.  and for the most part, much of the world’s unhappiness stems from unnecessary responsibilities that people walk right into blindly.  i’m not saying to avoid responsibility that’s already been long bestowed upon you…but instead to avoid further responsibility that you need not acquire to live a fulfilled life — i don’t know how much of that sounds selfish or disregarding…but much to my surprise, it’s the only thing in my life outside of my fundamental values that i am truly unapologetic about.  i think that if more people actually considered their needs versus their wants when it comes to things of this world, there’d probably be less dissatisfaction on the daily….but then again, needs are subjective right?

i don’t know about you, my friend, but i don’t need a life where i live to work nor one where i wake up to a day that feels like a burden…so i leave you with this question —

“what do you really need in your life?”

seriously…

just a thought: #28

(i suppose this can be considered a golden thought…28th on the 28th?  haha.)

i’ve always believed that a genuine connection is the fundamental goal/need in human interaction.  i honestly don’t know how some people can go about their lives and have meaningless interactions with one another and be completely fine with it…and be so self-absorbed that learning from someone else and sharing thoughts on life in general are absolutely last on their list of priorities!  seriously, what is an existence with no fruit or purpose when they encounter other human beings?  is the hunger or desire for improving one’s self considered “too much of a hassle”?  i’m a firm believer in kindred spirits.  i suppose i used to believe in a soulmate…but i realized after a few years that believing that your soul only yearns for one leaves a limit on what your soul can do.  no one can really learn and grow with just one person.  i think that there are way too many encounters with others in one day that there are more chances of meeting kindred spirits that you can learn from, little by little.  as extreme as this may sound, maybe even slightly on the radical side, but all those interactions give us a better chance of being better human beings if we actually made sure the interactions meant something to one another.  i’m always drawn to people who inspire me…i meet a lot of people all the time, and i do pretty poorly in remembering names — but for some reason, inspiring people leave a mark so large that i remember every detail of our paths crossing.  i learn so much when i meet people like that…in learning more about them, i learn more about myself.  it may sound idealistic, yet completely predictable coming from me…but if everyone felt that way, i think the world would be such a perfect place.  so here’s to hoping that “if” comes true one day, my kindred spirits…

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